Well, here are five of my most recent chatfics. They're all very short, but if you want to skip them, that's fine, too. No OFCs, for those of you who care.
As for the stories, like I said, they're short. I decided to leave in some of the opening chat, just because it sets it all up so nicely.
As always, I don't own them. That privilege belongs to others, to whom I am still grateful for not suing me for the unauthorized use of their intellectual property. As always, I receive no monetary gain from this, it's all done for fun, or in some cases, bragging rights. ;-)
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tae1906: I was the first one to ever do a chatfic... came from claiming that I could write a story with a single sentence to start from...
qlht2: Blair did a double take as he saw his mother walk into the bullpen wearing a skirt suit and her hair up in a bun.
qlht2: There TAE, write a fic with that sentence
tae1906: it's approaching my bedtime and she does this to me... sigh.
AnneACK: go TAE Go TAE go TAE
CiceroCat: lol TAE
qlht2: blame it on me
WHO THE HECK WAS THAT?
Blair did a double take as he saw his mother walk into the bullpen wearing a skirt suit and her hair up in a bun.
The rest of the bullpen grew silent as they recognized her. Jim looked the question at his partner, and Blair, eyes wide, shrugged, then stood. "Mom?" he asked hesitantly. He'd never seen his mother in anything that was so... so... conservative.
"Oh, hello, Sweetie. Only have a moment. I was just going through town and had to stop and say 'hi'." She swept him into her arms and gave him a fierce hug and a kiss on his cheek. "So, how are you doing? Is work okay?" she looked over at Jim and smiled. "And how are you, Jim?"
"I'm fine, Naomi. Uh... I don't think I've ever seen you look so..." Blair, now behind his mother, had a horrified look on his face and was making throat-cutting motions, trying to warn Jim not to say anything.
"Lovely." Jim finished lamely. Blair nearly collapsed in relief.
"Thank you, Jim. But I'm afraid that these aren't my clothes." That got everyone's attention. No one quite knew how to broach the question everyone was wondering.
"Mom?" Blair asked, a bit plaintively.
Naomi turned and beamed at her son. "My luggage got lost, Sweetie. I had to borrow some of Lila's work clothes. With any luck, I'll have my bags back in a few hours."
There was a chorus of relieved sighs. "Anyway, Lila is waiting for me, and I'd better get going. If the airline calls, just get my stuff and I'll give you a call with where to send them." With one last hug and kiss for her son, and an equally enthusiastic hug for Jim, she swept out of the room, leaving the members of Major Crime at a total loss for words.
Simon shook his head in wonder. "That was... interesting," he muttered.
"That was just my mom." Blair explained.
Jim shook his head and looked at his partner. "What was with that hairdo, Chief?"
"Oh, that. That's probably because she was last in Japan, taking classes in Kabuki."
"I don't think I want to hear any more," Simon muttered, retreating to his office.
Jim grinned and gently patted his partner on the shoulder. "Well, for a wig, it wasn't bad. But that style really doesn't look good on her."
"Jim," Blair whined.
"Hey, I like her with her usual hair style, myself."
Blair frowned. "Jim, I've told you, that's my Mom. Even if she is a redhead, you keep your eyes in your head, understand?"
The rest of the bullpen burst into laughter at that, and with chuckles and guffaws, made their ways back to their desks and their work.
Jim gave Blair a gentle shove and grinned broadly. "But jerking your chain is so much fun, Chief." Reaching up and ruffling his partner's long curls, he quickly dodged the reactive swat.
"Jiiiimmmm!" Jim laughed and plopped down in his chair.
Blair got a wicked gleam in his eye.
Jim frowned up at him and said "What?"
Blair's smile grew evil. "Oh, nothing much. Just thinking about asking my mom for that wig for you... you could use a bit of help, man." Blair was still standing. By the time Jim had gotten to his feet, Blair was out the door and down the hall, laughing hysterically.
tae1906: the end.
tae1906: and, in less than 30 minutes...
tae1906: hey, Lila?
qlht2: yes TAE
tae1906: :-PPPPFFFFFFFTTTTT!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!
qlht2: hee hee hee
qlht2: I concede
janetmonroe: I missed story time.... I'm sad.... will someone tell me a new one?
qlht2: I gave you a sentence and you wrote a chat fic
qlht2: Give TAE a sentence.
tae1906: only if you go to work for me tomorrow...
USS ferry: LOL
USS ferry: do we need clearance? :P
AnneACK: maybe she will do one for us tomorrow if we are nice to her!
tae1906: I have 7 hours before the alarm goes off... that gives me another hour, I guess...
janetmonroe: It was a dark and stormy night. Blair laughed at the thought. Night was usually dark. Light was day time
It was a dark and stormy night. Blair laughed at the thought. Night was usually dark. Light was day time.
Jim looked over at his snickering partner. "What's so funny?"
"This story. It's one of those 'it was a dark and stormy night' things... unless you're in the arctic in summer, most nights are pretty dark, don't you think?"
Jim chuckled. "Yeah, Chief. Generally night is dark. Except in cities where the ambient light from the streets keeps it from getting too dark."
"Yeah, or if you're a sentinel," Blair grinned, then got a pensive look on his face. "Is it ever really dark for you, Jim?"
Jim regarded his friend in surprise. "Why do you think I use a sleep mask, Blair?"
"Oh, yeah. So, is it hard for you to get to sleep without it?"
"Depends on what time it is. When I come in from a late stakeout, I really need it, or the sun coming in the skylight will wake me up. If I manage to get to bed at a decent hour, then I can usually do without it."
Blair nodded. Still pensive, he then asked. "Does the mask bother you?"
Jim frowned. "Not since you got me the silk one. The first one, the one made of satin? Drove me nuts."
"That was a short drive," Blair said, cheekily.
"You should know, you're the chauffeur."
"Hey!" Blair squealed, slapping Jim's arm. "You never let me drive!"
Jim smiled benignly and turned back to his book. "Exactly."
Totally confused, Blair tried going back over their conversation and only got more confused. "Uh, Jim?"
"Do I really drive you crazy?" Jim glanced at the page number and closed his book. Hearing the serious tone in his friend's voice. He turned to him to reply.
Blair's face fell and his eyes shifted to focus into the distance.
"But compared to where I'd be if you hadn't come along, I'll be more than happy with the current insanity. Most of the time, it's fun. Sometimes, it gets pretty serious. But the good times so far outweigh the bad, that a little craziness is far preferable to the possible alternatives."
Blair looked back at his roommate, frowning. "So, uh, do I drive you crazy, or not?"
Jim grinned. "Let me ask you a question."
Blair was uncertain, but nodded. "Okay."
"Do I drive you crazy?"
Blair blurted out his response without thinking. "Oh, yeah. All the time. House Rules, 'stay in the truck', 'you are not a cop', all the time, man. All the time."
Jim nodded. "So, think about it. Would you change it?"
Finally, Blair got it, and he grinned. "Not one, single second... well, almost none... there are a few I could have done without, but you weren't the cause..." He paused to contemplate the question. Then, "No. I wouldn't change it."
Jim grinned and reached over to lightly ruffle Blair's hair. "So, we drive each other crazy. Short trip. But at least we're not alone on that trip. And I have to tell you, I couldn't ask for better company."
Blair beamed. "Me, either, man. Me, either."
USS ferry: ok, do I get a sentence now?
tae1906: so, can I go to bed, now?
USS ferry: :-(
janetmonroe: Yes, You are a real nice person.
PanteraOrgullosa: if you must TAE
tae1906: what's your sentence, George?
USS ferry: Blair's head snapped up and he gasped at the stag about to charge him, when it suddenly stopped.
NO, HE WASN'T....
Blair's head snapped up and he gasped at the stag about to charge him, when it suddenly stopped. The huge creature snorted and shook his antlers at him. Blair quickly looked around, seeking an escape. Behind him was the cliff, to one side was a granite wall, and to the other was his broken down car. The stag stomped his feet and shook his head again, threateningly. Blair tried to edge towards his car. The stag snorted.
Blair froze again. "Uh, nice Bambi. Uh, how about I just inch my way on over to my car, okay?" At the sound of his voice, the stag cocked his head, listening to him.
Inching ever so slowly towards his car, babbling the entire time, he finally got to the door. The stag watched him warily, occasionally stomping a foot, snorting or shaking his antlers at Blair. "Niiiice Bambi. Do you know him? He was this little fawn, well, he grew up, of course. But he started out a fawn, just like you did. Did you have friends like Thumper and Flower?"
The stag snorted and shook his head. "No? Yeah I guess you wouldn't have."
With the door handle in his hand, Blair opened the door and dove into the front seat of the Volvo, head first. The stag charged, his antlers slamming the door closed on Blair's feet.
Blair let out a screech of pain. "OWOWOWOWOW!" The door bounced off his ankles and reopened.
Drawing his feet quickly towards his chest as the stag again attacked the car door; this time, the door latched and Blair felt safe. At least for the moment. He noticed that the stag seemed to be slobbering rather badly.
With the realization that the animal was probably rabid, Blair fumbled for his cell phone. The battery was dead. The stag continued to attack the car, slamming his antlers into the fenders, the doors, the windows. One of the side windows cracked, but fortunately, the stag moved on to another one, instead of finishing the broken one.
Glad that Jim had hard-wired a cell phone jack into his car, Blair fumbled the cord and eventually got the phone connected. Turning the key in the ignition to power the phone, he quickly dialed. "Hey, H. Is Jim around anywhere?" He listened and sighed in dismay. "I got a flat. I could use some help." He listened as Brown announced his problem to the bullpen. There was laughter. "No, H. I have a spare. Yes, there is air in it. No, my jack is not broken."
Just then, the stag bugled and charged again, hitting the front of the car.
"That?" Blair asked. "Oh, that was nothing. That was just the rabid stag attacking my car, again." After giving his location, Blair relaxed a bit and prepared to wait for his rescue. He reclined the seat and pulled his pant legs up to examine the damage the door had done. He gingerly unlaced his boots and, hissing in pain, pulled them off, then his socks. Both feet and ankles were already showing the bruising.
His face screwed up with pain, he cautiously wiggled his toes. Grateful that the movement didn't hurt, much, he sighed. The stag continued to attack the car. Another side window cracked, but also didn't break. He was wondering just how much damage an enraged stag could do to his car. He was starting to think that driving over the cliff would have done less damage.
Slowly rotating his ankles and deciding they were only bruised, not sprained or broken, he was thrilled to see flashing red and blue lights approaching.
The Patrol car stopped beside him and the two officers got out, staring at the damage to the Volvo. They didn't notice the stag until almost too late.
With a shriek of rage, the stag charged the patrolmen. One of them was nearly impaled, but only had the door slam into him as the antlers connected to the insignia on the door.
He had the wind knocked out of him and yelled in pain as the bottom edge of the door caught him on the shins and the top of the window caught him almost in the throat. His partner, in shock, finally realized what was happening and pulled his service revolver. Nearly hysterical with fear of the enraged animal, he fired. Six shots, and the stag was still standing.
Blair shook his head in amazement as he watched the patrolman miss every single shot. The other patrolman finally recovered enough to grab for the shotgun from its rack in the front seat. Stepping away from the car, he pumped the slide and as the bugling stag charged him once more, fired. The stag kept coming. Jacking the slide again, he fired a second round of buckshot. This time, the animal staggered and collapsed at his feet.
Blair cautiously opened his door and looked down at the animal. The light faded from the stag's eyes as he died.
For just a moment, Blair felt sorry that such a beautiful and magnificent animal had died. Then remembered how close he had come to getting impaled. Taking a deep, shaking breath, he looked at the two patrolmen.
The two officers turned and stared at him. Obviously, both officers were in shock.
"Uh, I'll just get out my spare and get this tire changed, okay?"
The uninjured officer just nodded, then stood staring down at his revolver. "I missed." Blair heard him mutter. "Twenty feet away, and I missed." He looked over at his partner and quickly moved around the car to check him out.
Calling for animal control and an ambulance, the two officers watched in silence as Blair quickly changed his flat tire. He was wondering what to do when the ambulance arrived, along with two more patrol cars and one old blue and white Ford pickup truck.
Jim was out before the dust settled. "Sandburg? Sandburg!" Spotting his friend, he ran over. "I was at the D.A.'s when you called. I got here as soon as I could. What the hell happened?" Jim was looking around frantically. Spotting the dead stag, he frowned. "Blair?"
"Got a flat, Jim. Got out to get the spare. Bambi here came charging up. He stopped. I talked to him and I guess I distracted him just enough. I managed to get into the car. Oh, and thanks for installing that thing for the cell phone. That was a real life saver, man."
"Are you all right, Chief?"
"Yeah. Kind of bruised my ankles a little, but as you can see, I can walk." He grinned. "Can you believe it?"
Jim watched Blair with narrowed eyes. "Yeah, Chief. I can believe it. You know, if it weren't for bad luck, I don't think you'd have any luck at all."
Blair chuckled. "Yeah, maybe. But look at it this way, If this hadn't happened, that guy could have really hurt someone, you know?"
Jim chuckled. "Yeah, I suppose so. You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah. Just a little bruising on my feet and ankles, is all. I can walk without limping, and I can drive."
Jim nodded his agreement and winced as he looked at the Volvo. "Hell of a lot of body damage, Chief."
Blair looked at his car and groaned. "Yeah. How do I explain this to my insurance agent? My car was attacked by a rabid deer?"
Jim's lips quivered and he tried valiantly to suppress the snicker that so desperately wanted to escape. "Well, it's the truth, Blair."
Blair did not miss Jim's efforts not to laugh and suddenly found himself grinning as well. "Well, let's get it home so I can call my agent."
"I have a better idea, Chief. Call him from here... otherwise, I don't think they'll believe you. Get them up here to see it for themselves." Blair giggled, then, catching Jim's eyes, started laughing. Jim smiled and joined in. The paramedics glanced over, worriedly, but then realized that they were only laughing with relief.
Jim pulled out his phone and offered it to Blair. Getting his insurance card from his wallet, Blair punched in the number for his agent. "Yeah, hello, this is Blair Sandburg. I just had a kind of an accident. I got a flat tire, and some crazed, rabid deer attacked my car."
He listened for a moment, then glanced at Jim, frowning. "No, James Ellison was not driving..."
USS ferry: ROFLMAO!
USS ferry: ICB!!
tae1906: so, can I go to bed, now?
AnneACK: That was perfect TAE!
USS ferry: yes TAE
tae1906: and Lila missed it...
USS ferry: off to bed with you
USS ferry: I'll send it to her
USS ferry: Thanks you for my story
AnneACK: I think we all are! Hope we see all three archived TAE!
tae1906: you're welcome... of course, get me punchy enough, and everything is a straight line...
USS ferry: LOL
USS ferry: /me thinks we should do this every night :P
tae1906: six hours until the alarm rings... just about right.
And, on another night....
QLHT: now your turn TAE
tae1906: but... the District is going to be on in 12 minutes!
QLHT: "Hey, come back here!" Blair yelled as he ran after a small dog.
QLHT: um It's already on, TAE
tae1906: Not here...
tae1906: comes on at nine, my time...
Jim, who had just gotten out of his truck, stooped and scooped the little animal up. Straightening up, he waited for Blair to reach him.
"Thanks, man. Cinder, you are a bad dog!" Blair scolded the dog as he took her from his friend.
"What's with the animal, Sandburg? I hope you don't expect to take it into the loft?"
Blair looked up, guilt written all over his face, "No! Of course not, Jim. I don't expect to take her into the loft." The innocent act was a washout. Jim shifted, seeming to grow taller and larger, and Blair knew he was in trouble.
"That means that you've already had it in the loft, am I right?" Jim growled. Cinder, the cause of all the trouble, gazed at him through her mop of gray and black fur and whined. Jim turned his attention to her and frowned. "Don't think that by whining and giving me 'that' look is going to keep you from your fate, little dog."
"Jim, it's not what you think." Blair shifted his hold on the dog and rubbed her ears.
Jim frowned, "That look from you isn't going to work, either, Sandburg."
Blair started, "What look?" He and the dog had identical expressions. Jim's anger couldn't hold in the face of that and he shook his head as the chuckle escaped.
"So, what's with the dog?"
"She belongs to Collette. I told her that I'd pick her up from the vet's this morning, and when we got back, she was still away. She just called a few minutes ago, and I was just taking Cinder home to her." Blair spoke in a rush, hoping that Jim would just accept it, without getting too angry.
"If I find one 'accident', or one hair..." Jim trailed off, realizing the ridiculousness of that. With a sigh, he shook his head. "Fine. Just don't do it again."
"No problem, Jim. And there were no accidents, I promise. And you won't find any hairs, Cinder is a Terripoo and doesn't shed."
"Yeah, Chief. I realized that I find hair all over the loft all the time... and that little dog simply doesn't have near the hair that you do, either length or volume." Jim grinned at the expression of shock on his friend's face. "So, since you're going out anyway, why don't you just pick us up some dim sum for dinner, tonight? I had a hell of a day and don't feel like cooking." He pulled out his wallet and handed Blair a twenty dollar bill.
Blair, grateful to have gotten off so easily, took the money with a nod. "Dim sum it is. How about some chow fun to go with it?"
"Whatever, just as long as it's edible." With that, he turned away and, checking the traffic, headed across the street.
Sighing in relief, Blair got to his car, got the door open, put Cinder in it, got in and closed the door before the little dog could again escape. He started the car and was just about to back out, when he heard Jim call to him. He stopped and rolled down the window.
"Just do me one favor, Chief. Make sure you return the dog before you stop to pick up dinner."
Blair, getting Jim's meaning, looked shocked. "Jim! Of course, I'll take her home, first. Besides, Mr. Chen's would never serve dog... or cat, for that matter."
Jim just grinned his 'gotcha' grin and, chuckling, headed into the building. Blair, realizing he'd been had, laughed and headed off to return Cinder and pick up dinner.
USS ferry: Blair grabbed the hamburger patty out of the garbage, threw it on the floor and proceeded to dance over and around it.
"Sandburg, why are you smashing that greasy thing into the carpet?" Jim was frowning. In fact, he was simmering. Didn't Sandburg understand how hard it was going to be to clean that up?
"Huh?" Blair raised glazed eyes to his roommate. It was obvious to Jim that Blair might be there physically, but was mentally off in la-la land, for sure.
"Sandburg," Jim growled. "Why. Are. You. Stomping. That. Dead. Piece. Of. Meat. Into. The. Carpet!" He started off speaking softly and ended in a full-blown bellow.
Blair grinned, a bit maniacally, Jim thought. "Why not, Jim?" was Blair's innocent reply.
Jim's frown deepened. "Sandburg, are you feeling all right?"
"I feel great, man." Blair gestured to some mail scattered across the kitchen counters.
Jim's concern deepened. Stepping carefully around the greasy blob ground into the carpet, he made his way into the kitchen, keeping constant watch on his oddly behaving... well, more oddly than usual, partner. Glancing down at the mail, Jim winced in understanding. "You're being audited by the IRS?"
"Yep." Blair took his foot and stomped the greasy puddle further into the carpet. "Keep looking."
Jim winced as he watched (and smelled) the irreparable damage being done to his carpet. Turning back to the pile, he spotted another letter. It had an interesting letterhead, and an even more interesting watermark. The crest on the envelope gave him pause. Glancing worriedly at his roommate, he carefully opened the letter and read it. The more he read, the more confused he got. Glancing at the grinning Blair, he shook his head and admitted to his confusion.
"I don't get it, Chief."
"The IRS is auditing me, on the same day I get that." He pointed at the heavy velum, crested letter.
"And?" Jim asked uncertainly.
Jim worried, this wasn't like his friend.
"Jim, keep looking."
Jim turned back to the messy pile of paper. Poking around in the pile, he found another piece of paper with the crest on it. Reading it, his eyes bulged slightly and his breath caught. "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Blair grinned and bounced, grinding the remnants of the meat into the carpet. "Yep."
"I don't understand?"
"What about them?"
"They were well-to-do German Jews."
"So, they sent my grandparents here, before the war. Mom was born a few months later. The great-grandparents didn't escape. They had put all their life-savings into Swiss banks. The Swiss are just paying off on that. Since my grandparents didn't know about it, they never claimed the money. Naomi told them to give me anything they had of theirs, and that's it." Blair pointed at the check in Jim's hand.
"This is a lot of money, Chief. What are you going to do with it?'
Blair grinned. "Well, after I pay off all my student loans, and deal with the IRS, I'm going to take this ratty old carpet out and burn it! Then, I'm taking you to whatever carpet store you like and I'm going to let you get whatever you want." His eyes were sparkling like sapphires.
"Uh, that's nice, Chief, but..." Jim looked uncomfortable.
Blair suddenly felt worried. "But what, Jim?"
"Well...." Jim began, only to be cut off.
"Oh, man. You liked that carpet! Oh, shit. I'm sorry, man." Blair looked down and actually realized just how big a mess he'd made. "Oh, man...."
"That's not it, Chief," Jim hastened to explain.
"Then, what is it?"
"Well, it's just that it's probably going to take a couple of months to do all this, and in the meantime, this is really going to start to stink, is all." His tone of voice was apologetic.
Blair stared at his friend for a moment, then looked back down at the mess he'd made. "I'll clean it up," he murmured softly.
Jim, looking at the woebegone expression on his friend's face, started snickering. Blair looked up in surprise. Jim's snicker turned into a chuckle, then a laugh. "Sandburg," he gasped, laughing uncontrollably, "Just help me move the furniture and we'll haul it out to the dumpster out back. Then, you can scrub the floor until the stink is gone."
Blair brightened, immediately. "Cool, Jim," he grinned and began to move the furniture off the carpet.
Jim joined him and soon they had the carpet cleared and began to roll it up. "Of course, there is one other thing, Chief," Jim said.
"Oh? What's that, Jim?"
"It's winter, and with no carpet on the floor, your feet will be permanently cold, and with socks on, you're liable to move too fast and go skidding across the floor." Jim still had a huge grin on his face as Blair thought about it.
"Well, once the check clears, and that shouldn't take more than a couple of weeks, I'll replace the carpet, first, okay?"
Jim grinned. "Sure, but I suggest that before you worry about that, we need to go to Wally- World and get you some non-skid slipper socks."
"Oh, man, those are for babies, Jim!" Blair disagreed vehemently.
"Maybe the ones with the separate toes? You know, like gloves?" Jim was gently pushing his friend to pick up his end of the ruined carpet so they could take it out to the dumpster.
"Not toe-socks, Jim. No way."
"Yeah, those rainbow ones, maybe?"
"Jim, no way. I'll get a nice pair of sheepskin slippers, okay?"
"You need to be able to sleep in them, Sandburg, so your little tootsies stay nice and toasty." Jim was getting into the teasing as they made their way carefully down the stairs.
Blair thought about it and reluctantly agreed. "Yeah, I guess slipper-socks would be a good idea, but NO toe-socks, you hear me?"
"We'll see, Sandburg, we'll see."
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